Effective communication is fundamental in maintaining healthy relationships. The right type of communication is pivotal in all of our relationships, it can make them or break them. It’s that important!!

For example, our personal and professional relationships may breakdown due to our inability to communicate our own desires, wants and needs. Pretty sure most of us have been there right, for example, have you found yourself not wanting to listen, or maybe appointing blame, disengaging or getting angry - literally just to get your point across, you feel you have been wronged, but you cant say or don’t know how to communicate this without upsetting the other person. You have now become silent, unable to express how you really feel. The environment and the energy around you both feels dark and you feel that underlying tension.

It never get’s resolved, you start to harbour resentment, the relationship breaks down! Yep, it can be exhausting!!

Once the communication breaks down, it can be a lonely and painful place, it will inevitably eventually have a negative effect on any relationship. But, what is deemed to be unhealthy, negative communication?

One question often asked, is ‘when is it time to change things and is our arguments, disputes and disagreements just a normal part of a relationship’? Well, only you know your the answer to that, but you could start by asking yourself - is our ways of communicating crossing the line, are they blurred. Do they match with my values, beliefs and boundaries Are you able to openly express your feelings & emotions, your opinions, without facing fear, insults, judgement or defensiveness? Am I able to discuss and resolve any potential issues or are they causing resentment and disconnection? If you answered NO then it’s time to decide as to what you need to do. Are you prepared to let things continue as they are?

If you are in an intimate relationship, it may be time to speak to a couples counsellor or if there are disputes within the family, then you can seek out a family therapist. These are qualified professionals who will help you to explore any underlying issues that are negatively impacting on your relationship, your ways of communicating.

However, if you just need a little help in order to improve your communication skills, below are a few self help tips for you to practice, please note **if there is any type of abuse within the relationship, please always talk to someone, seek professional help and support.

You can find more information on abuse and control on our website, search blogs and pages.

Simple self help tips:-

Number one - and the most important has to be, do you listen? Are you hearing what the other person is actually saying? Try to repeat it back, make sure that you fully understand what is being said to you. We all sometimes hear what we want to hear, but that’s not always the case.

Number two - If your natural instinct is to respond immediately with anger, you can apply the STOP technique, take a moment to think, ask yourself, what is a better way to communicate this other than with anger or rage? This works both ways - think about what you are about to say before you say it. Learn some coping skills to help you control your anger, such as breathing techniques and relaxation if you are stressed (speak to a therapist if this is out of control). See our resources page for STOP technique/anger.

Number three - Do not result to insults, if you are both in a rage, this type of communication will only exacerbate the situation. Take a break and come back together once you are both not so emotionally charged/flooded.

Number four - Think about what you want to say, write it down and get it clear in your head if you need to.

Number five - Remember, communication isn’t all verbal, keep an eye on both yours and the other persons body language. What is this telling you? What’s your body language, facial expressions saying?

Number six - Make some time to sit down and talk (without the drama), its important you get some time to express what’s going on in your life, make future plans and enjoy each other’s company. Make sure you are present (not just in the literal sense), give your time and attention and interest.

Number seven - When you are expressing emotions and feelings, start with I am feeling ………….

Number eight - Do you have a love language, how do you express the ‘I LOVE YOU’….

Number nine - Be open and honest, these are vital to any healthy relationship.

Number ten - Don’t ignore, withdraw, shutdown, eventually, your partner or other will do the same. This will only increase frustration and fracture the relationship further.

Finally - One more important tip I give to all my clients who are struggling with communication is;

It’s ok for you - To agree to disagree!!!