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The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none”

Definition of Abuse: An incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases, by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or a carer.

In other words, it is treatment of another person in a harmful or harsh way with intention of causing pain, damage or to gain control over that person.  There is no clear description of an abuser, they can be young or old, male or female, a family member or a colleague. Abuse happens in any social class, it doesn’t differentiate between gender, disability, ethnicity, age or sexual orientation. Abuse can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

It is also important to understand, that the signs of psychological and emotional abuse are not always visible, hence this type of abuse is often overlooked and not taken seriously. This can be a lonely place to be. For example, we know that physical or sexual violence is a form of abuse. However, what if your partner makes you constantly feel scared, threatened or blackmailed? What if your partner does not like you seeing other people because of their jealousy? What if they demand to see your emails, messages, or Facebook account? After all you “shouldn’t” be hiding anything from each other. What if you do not feel comfortable with all the above, but you do it because you are together and you feel you should make each other happy?

Very often people do not realise that the relationship they are in is an abusive one because there are no physical signs to show for it. There are no bruises or damage to property as evidence of the abuse. Who will believe someone when there is nothing to support it? Emotional abuse victims quite often are too ashamed to report it because of the lack of tangible proof of the harm. Often, the abuse goes on for a long period of time before the victim realises what is happening to them. Abusers can be skillful in their manipulation, putting it down to “having a bad day”, blaming the victim for provoking them, or dismissing it with claims “it was just a joke”, followed by apologies, making up and presents. There is confusion, disbelief, shame, and then anger to deal with. before even trying to take steps to make a change.

Emotional abuse is hard to comprehend and is very often ignored.

Below, we can see the Power and Control wheel called The Duluth Model. It was developed in the hope to reduce domestic violence and emotional control against women. The Duluth Model shows the possible ways violence can be adopted within relationships to exercise power and control.

Abuse comes in many forms and quite often these overlap with other forms of abuse including:

Childhood Abuse

Controlling and Coercive Behaviours

Domestic Abuse

Physical, Psychological and Emotional

Financial

Human Trafficking

Sexual, Prostitution, Pornography

Stalking and Harassment

Digital abuse

The Cyle of Abuse

On avarege it takes 7 to 12 attempts to leave an abusive realtionship. Often this type of relationship follows a specific cycle that is designed firstly to lure you in and then to keep you in.

So, why don’t you leave?

This is a very common question that you might be asked a lot by your friends or family. However, there are many reasons for why an abuse survivor does not seek help:

  • Love - in cases when the abuser is a partner or a family member.

  • Shame and Guilt - This is a major factor preventing people from seeking help. Quite often abuse victims blame themselves for provoking the abuser and feel embarrassed because of it. REMEMBER you did not ask for this treatment and you DO NOT deserve it.

  • Fear - in case the abuser finds out and they become more violent, crueller, they may withdraw access to money or threaten you with access to the children, etc.

  • Previous experiences - lack of support, lack of understanding.

  • You may also feel stuck, with nowhere to go, or no one to turn to.

You should always seek specialist support if you or your children are experiencing any behaviour from a partner or ex-partner that is:

  • Mentally and emotionally abusive - verbal abuse, undermining your confidence, gaslighting (making you question your version of what's happened)

  • Violence, including physical and sexual violence

  • Isolating you - from friends, relatives, health services and sources of support

  • Monitoring or controlling - for example, tracking you, watching your social media accounts, making you stay in the house during the day or limiting time at the shops

  • Degrading or punishing - for example, not allowing you to eat or rewarding you for only 'good' behaviour

  • Financially controlling - for example, not allowing you to have your own bank account, or having benefits paid only to the abuser

  • Intimidating - for example, threats of violence

  • Harmful towards pets or your belongings - this might be to manipulate, frighten or control you

Remember, there is help out there.

Useful links