Red flags in a relationship, and why we keep ignoring them
“Your instincts will help you recognise any red flags. Don't let your logic win in such situations.”
― Mitta Xinindlu
First, let's explain what Red Flags mean when in a relationship.
Have you found yourself in a situation where your partner's abusive behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed? When your body and brain aren’t on the same page? Do you keep finding yourself constantly overthinking, and questioning what is going on? Have those around you been telling you this person is not good for you, yet you are not listening? These feelings you are experiencing are warning signs that we feel instinctively, or what we describe as a Red Flag.
So, why do we tend to ignore our gut feeling and keep finding ourselves in the same situation/relationship over and over again? Ignoring our natural instincts or red flags can result from a few factors. Our culture, upbringing and mental health can play a huge role in how we react in certain situations.
Let's talk about culture and upbringing first. How, as women, we are perceived in society? What are we told about the way we should be? I know, we are in the middle of a fight for equality for gender and we are getting somewhere with the terminology "police officer" not "policeman" or "firefighter" not "fireman"; which in turn helps young girls to identify with these professions rather than thinking these are just "men" jobs, and therefore change the attitude and perception of society. In many cultures, women are still less than a man and therefore treated that way.
However, if you think about this, growing up with these biases we were led to believe that certain behaviours were connected to men. "Boys will be boys", "they have to let off the steam somehow", "he's a breadwinner", believing that it is OK for men to be angry, arrogant or sexist. Whereas, a woman displaying similar behaviour is tagged: as emotional, unstable or a feminist. Any attention from a guy is good attention, right? How many of us have heard that statement when we were growing up? This is such a terrible way to teach our daughters that it is OK to put up with unreasonable treatment from a guy. Seriously!
Sometimes a person’s culture and society mask dangerous behaviour behind the smoke screen made of glamour and ignorance. Films and books romanticise bad behaviour, making us think the bad boy can change if he gets the right woman. The language we choose to describe someone with potentially abusive tendencies is not straightforward either and can be misleading. The adjectives such as scary, violent or disturbed often are replaced with exciting, a bit rough or interesting. The harder and truer descriptions are left for people who are criminals, not nice men with high-profile jobs. Again, the misleading conception that an abusive man cannot be, for example: a family man, a doctor or a teacher.
Men have it easy, don't they? This is not always true. Yes, maybe the biases of this world are tipped favourably toward a man, however, they do have their own prejudices to fight against. It is much harder for a man to find help when the abuse happens to them. Let us face it, women can be abusive too. There are laws that should protect us all from harm, however, certain types of abuse can be hard to prove for women, and almost impossible for men. Again, this is caused by the belief that a man is stronger and therefore most likely to be the abuser. You can see the problem this can cause for men who find themselves in an abusive relationship. And additionally, they feel ashamed. Shame is how most victims feel who are being abused.
They are ashamed and embarrassed to say anything because they are afraid that their friends, family or colleagues will not believe them. So maybe it is less likely for a man to be the victim of an abuse. Yet it is not any easier for them either because while a woman can be a physically weaker perpetrator, she can still be a very abusive one.
The way we feel about previous relationship experiences can contribute to us lowering our defences leaving us vulnerable to bad choices. If we are lonely or have not dated for a long time, any affection can be welcomed and we are most likely to be less picky and more tolerant. If our previous partner was controlling and overbearing, the new one who doesn't give a s..t, can feel like a breath of fresh air. If we had to constantly chase after our last partner, the one that surprises us outside work, on our night out and texts all the time, will appear like a truly caring person. Do you see where I am going with this?
It does beg to question, when will this game stop? What should I do to avoid these kinds of relationships and find the healthy on? The answer is not simple. However, it all comes down to one thing. We have to remember that we cannot change who they are or how they behave. No matter how many months or years we have invested in that relationship, if things have not improved, they likely will never improve. It is not up to us to improve others; we can only work on ourselves. Get to know who we are by learning to recognise our weaknesses and strengths, who we are and what we want. Make us our priority.