Coercive control
Abuse and Coercive control
Another type of domestic abuse!
Sadly, we have all heard someone say “Something like that could never happen to me. I am too strong and too confident. I would notice that there is something wrong and leave. Why don’t these people never leave? They must be ok with what is happening to them otherwise they would leave, its easy to, all you have to do is”…..
But, in reality leaving an abusive relationship is never as simple as just leaving.
Evidence suggests that on average, it takes seven to twelve times of trying, in order to leave an abusive relationship. For people, who have never experienced abuse, be this physical, psychological or emotional, it is hard to understand how powerless and fearful the abused will feel. Power plays a vital role in all types of abuse including Coercive control, which is often much harder to identify as it can be invisible, there may not be any bruises or physical signs, it’s a pattern of instilling fear, having full control and isolating the victim.
For example, taking the person’s independence, isolating them from their friends, family, or any outside home life, thus ensuring that no one will be able to interfere and open their eyes on to what is actually happening, this is often how it starts. These subtle acts will be labelled with the “best of intentions”, after all it is hard to question any decisions when they come with the “I only do it because I love you” label, right? It is not love, it’s abuse, it’s manipulative and damaging.
So, when one partner says to the other “put on this dress/shirt because I like you in it”, or that doesn’t look so good on you, wear that instead. Surely there is nothing controlling about this, right?
When you don’t change or do change your hair because of your partner loving it that way, it is ok, right?
When your partner doesn’t like your friend and they may have a valid reason for you not to see this friend again, it’s ok, right?
You don’t need makeup, wearing too much doesn’t look good on you, they are only saying this for your benefit after all!! This one, is this ok?
When you are being told in a lovely way that you are too chubby or your bum is big, it is ok, right?
When you are told you need to be home by certain hour, or your partner will be worried. They also need you home with them or they can’t sleep. Surely, it’s nice to know you are wanted, equally, you don’t want them to be so worried while you are out having fun? It this ok, right?
When you are told you don’t need to mange your own money, your partner will take control of all the finances for you, then don’t need to worry, is this one ok?
What do you think? Are these forms of control or just simply love?
Now ask yourself, do you have the right to choose and make your own decisions?
Coercive control is skillfully designed to dominate every aspect of somebody’s life. It may be seen to be offered with love, equally for your best interest, but introduces confusion, fear and loss of liberty and self identify.
If you are ever made to feel like you must do something you don’t want to do, in order that the other person is happy, it is not OK! A relationship should be a partnership with plenty of rooms for individuality. You should not be living in your own home being afraid or intimidated by your partner, or equally anyone else.
There are many ways a person’s life can be controlled, and here are more examples of coercive behaviours:
Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
Humiliating, degrading, or dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Making threats or intimidating you
If you think you are in a controlling relationship, speak to your friends or family about it. If you cannot talk to them, seek help elsewhere. There are many charities that help women and men who find themselves in abusive relationship.
Remember, it is NOT your fault! You aren’t guilty of anything, you have nothing to be ashamed of. The person who did/does this to you is the abuser , they should be ashamed of their behaviour - not you. Coercive control is a criminal offence in UK and that makes the person who does it a criminal.
You are not weak because you fell for it, you are simply human. You are STRONG because you are fighting for yourself, you will get there, even if it takes you a while.