Chocolate covered loneliness..
The fire pit has had its day!
So, here we are again. Another full lock down. COVID-19 has managed to ground us for the second time. Not sure how it is for all of you, but I am finding it a bit harder than the last time. Yet, I could not understand why!
I mean, it’s not like we haven’t done it before, is it? We all know the routine by now, don’t we? For me it is all about the balance. I am trying to balance work life with home schooling and my sanity… The last one seems to be the hardest to balance at the moment.
I have thought a lot about why this time around feels much harder than the last! I have come to the conclusion that it is the ‘social isolation’ that has upset me more this time. Up here in Scotland, we have been banned from seeing people inside houses since the end of September! I did not mind it at the beginning, as the weather was good enough to meet up outside in a garden - or go for a walk to the park, and have still have the odd coffee with a friend. Then, as time went on (we are lucky enough to have a garden) we re-discovered our old fire pit and embraced ‘outdoor socialising’ with our immediate family and the odd friend.
However, as the weather worsened (it is winter after all), the options of trying to keep warm and stay connected started to feel less appealing, the romance of the family and friends gathered round the fire pit toasting marshmallows is well and truly over. For most of us, these outdoor meetings were and are not fun, it’s only just bearable if you keep moving.
So, instead we had/have plenty of walks to try to keep in touch with friends and family. Even my kids have stopped moaning about going out for, yet another walk as they know now this is our only option. So, you could say there is a silver lining there (sort of).
Nonetheless, I find myself miserable, lonely and frustrated, as yet further restrictions have kicked in. Now, we can’t even go out with both grandparents at the same time - as you are allowed to see only one other person from one other household. This is causing unspoken divide and arguments between friends and family when we try to “sneak out” for a walk with a friend that is legal but excludes another friend from it. We take turns. Seriously!! Making plans who goes out with who, so one of us doesn’t feel rejected or neglected (It’s all a bit over the top).
I am tired of this social exclusion and also of the constant divide and the arguments. You can’t escape it. Arguments on TV, social media and within my own social circle. People arguing over, Should we wear masks? Should we send kids to school? Should we accept the immunization? Should we be allowed to buy several packets of toilet roll? I feel like I have been in an argument with someone for the last 10 months. But out of respect to these people, I do not express my opinion, I just listen to theirs!
Just the other day, I was buying a chocolate spread, and because it seems to disappear in our home as if ‘The Borrowers’ took a likening to it, and because I live 10 miles away from the nearest shop that sells it, I decided to but a few jars instead of one this time. No one told me off! However, when I was at the checkout, I did feel panicky and judged. I shouldn’t though, I wasn’t stealing it and it wasn’t toilet paper! This is what life is like, things that are so trivial in normal times are now magnified into something they are not - this is so understandable.
Like a lot of us, I understand that my feelings of sadness and loneliness are totally normal for the times we are in, coupled with the lack of control, the home schooling, the working from home, and the social isolation. I have had to learn to accept this and therefore I will have days of frustration, sadness, anger and vulnerability and really that’s OK.
But at least I have chocolate spread to get me through it ;)