Are you are people pleaser?
“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.”- Lori Deschene
Are you a people pleaser? Do you always say yes, even when you want to say NO!? Then grab a cuppa and a comfy seat - as this quick read may be for you!
I often found myself saying yes to someone or something that I really didn’t want to do or even hated, it has caused me both anger and tears. Some are minor like working an extra shift or running a quick errand, but some have been major, like not saying NO to people who totally abuse their power or have treated me with total disrespect.
However, whilst on occasion I still say yes to some of the smaller things, I have learnt the art of saying NO to the things that I really don’t want to do, or I know will upset me. Learning to say NO is very hard for a lot of us! But we need to do it!
How can we learn to be more assertive and also stand up for ourselves.
Being assertive and saying NO can be very challenging in some situations, we will often say yes, even though every part of our being is screaming NO - I don’t want to do this or even like this!
So why do we do this?
Well to start, we may not want to offend or upset someone else, even though we are the ones that end up feeling upset by not saying NO, oh the irony eh!!! (And Yep, we have all been there). We are often left with feelings of having no control and no voice. We may even feel anger, harbour resentment and frustration at both ourselves as well as the other person, yet we still didn’t say NO!
WTH - it’s literally the tiniest word, but has such a massive impact, so why do we struggle so much with saying it??
Another reason may be that we fear rejection and equally that if we say NO we will harm the relationship. We also don’t want to be thought of as unreasonable or seen as a bad or unreasonable person in another’s eyes, we all want to be liked don’t we!!!
Furthermore, we may not see the other persons manipulating behaviours, they want there own way and when you resist or express your option they will treat you as the villain and play the victim, so it’s easier for us to just give in and just say yes!!!
Yet, we know that saying NO when we need to, is not a bad thing, it keeps us safe, it is a boundary that protects us, we should all be able to have a choice and be in control, not rendered powerless.
It’s also not about being wrong or selfish, and we should never be made to feel guilty or scared by being pressured into doing things we really don’t want to do!
We all need boundaries, we need to know what we find acceptable and unacceptable, and saying NO is one of definitely one of those.
“Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated and made to feel guilty for not agreeing to someone else’s demands!!
Simple ways to say NO to someone!
Firstly, before you automatically respond with your answer. Take a few seconds - consider what your answer should be, what’s the consequences? Do I really want to do it?
Be real, be totally honest, say NO!
As hard as it is, you have to stand your ground, there is no point in saying NO, only to change your mind 10 seconds later as you are made to feel guilty!!
Be assertive polite and firm (practice saying NO in the mirror)! No, I can not do it! No, I do not want to do that. Thank you, but No!
Don’t lie or make try to make excuses, just make your point, say NO and leave it at that.
Don’t say ‘I will think about it’ if you really don’t want to do it. Say NO immediately.
Don’t let someone talk you into it! You have the choice. Think of your boundaries and values and how you really feel!!!!
Do not offer an alternative, unless it’s feasible and your choice.
Recognise that your needs are valid and are important.
Don’t allow that person to manipulate you. If they don’t value your opinion, be polite and stand your ground. No one has the right to bully you.
Know that you do not have to always agree with someone. Sometimes when dealing with toxic people, it’s better to just walk away.
It’s OK to put your needs first!
Remember, you have the right to express an opinion and say no - you have a voice, try to use it 😊
(All of the above is within reason and context of course).